Postpartum Recovery and Non-Judgment

Do you judge yourself for having postpartum? I did. I thought I was a failure as a mother. This only worsened my depression. I was already in Hell, and I was falling further into an abyss. I became hopeless, despondent and depressed. I could not make myself feel better. I thought that if I had to change one more diaper I'd drive off a cliff.

One of the things I needed to do was to STOP JUDGING MYSELF and my progress. I would look at other mothers around me and ALWAYS come up less than. I would compare myself. Why could they breast feed and I could not? How come they seemed to manage the sleep deprivation better than I did?

What was wrong with me? There were days and days and days where I really HATED being a mom. I loved my daughter, but this job of being a MOM was awful and I could never see myself "loving the job". I was a mess! It seemed as if all my "Mommy" friends were enjoying and EVEN loving having a new born. I was trying to "fake" that was "enjoying this phase" when in fact, I was hating every minute. But, I just could not get "right sized" about my feelings. I COULD not let myself off the hook. Every day was painful. I was an emotional train wreck.

I sought treatment. Had I not, I might have gone off the deep end (I was pretty much there anyways) my marriage would have failed and I might have lost my daughter. Fortunately non of these things came to pass. But the journey I had to take to recover, involved giving myself a HUGE break.

I am a survivor and knew I would get "to the other side". It was a very long, arduous task, but the worst was behind me, even though I did not know that at the time. It really was "one day at a time", learning the difference between reality and fantasy. And part of that fantasy was that I was somehow a horrible mother and every negative feeling I had about mothering only exacerbated my judgmental feelings.

In every session, my therapist would help me to recognize what was real and what was a fantasy. She was really patient with me. It was as if I had to refuse her perspective every time, until I could take it out and "wear" it and realize she was mostly right. I started to put pieces of myself back together. Kind of like Humpty Dumpty. I was an accident victim learning to walk again.

Eventually, learning how to not judge myself so mercilessly and giving myself a break, I was able to create new "brain paths" and started new belief systems. Over time, a lot of the drama and negative thinking started to recede. I gained new tools for living and started to enjoy more and more mental health as time went by.

In time, I was able to look back and realize that I was not judging myself as harshly as I had. And I started to see that other moms struggled too and that mothering is not really easy for anyone, every day of the week. Going through this process has not only made me a 'better' mom, but personally, I am a better and happier, more content woman. I am NOT the same person I was before, I am a better incarnation of the "girl" I used to be.

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