Why Women Struggle With Orgasm

I was asked recently to contribute to an article in Men's Health on Why Women Don't or Can't Have Orgasms. Excerpts of this appeared in last month's edition. Here is a more in-depth look at this complex topic that impacts on the pleasure and relationships of many women.

The reasons for this to happen are many and cover a spectrum. First off is purely physical, their partner's don't know what they're doing, how to touch them. Often women don't know enough about their own bodies so they can't guide their partner's.

Linked to this, but its own issue, is lack of communication. This takes the form of women not being able to ask for how she'd like to be touched, the very specific stimulation she needs, and her partner not asking her.

The next reason is belief. The sexual beliefs we hold have enormous impact on our behavior. These beliefs are communicated through family, religious and social teachings. So much of what we do comes out of what we hear and see our parents, family, teachers and peers say and do. I've come to see that so much of what we learn about sex and intimacy is from what's never said, rather then what is. If you think about the amount of sexual misrepresentation and myth we grow up with, what's ignored or never said has great power. So if you get the idea that sex is not pleasurable, or not for pleasure, or even purely for your husband's pleasure, it will have great impact on your ability to have orgasm.

One of the most powerful preventive beliefs is that good girls don't do that, don't enjoy sex. Connected to this is body image, general and specific. The general refers to feeling good about your body, not being obsessed. There is a belief that many women hold that only 'good looking/beautiful' people have good sex. The specific refers to genitals. If you're brought up to believe that you're genitals are dirty it becomes harder to allow yourself the pleasure of orgasm.

Then there's the willingness to let go. In order to experience orgasm you need to let go, to relax, and sometimes to allow the wild side to come out. One of the most important factors here is safety. If a woman does not feel safe she will not allow herself to let go enough to have an orgasm. This safety is an emotional state, an internal state that is often created by her partner. Intimacy, feeling loved, not judged in any way are all aspects of this. Women who have had bad sexual experiences, been raped or abused in some way will often struggle to have orgasm after that event. This makes it important to say here that anorgasmia can be caused by a traumatic event, physical, sexual or emotional.

The concept of reciprocation in sex also has impact. If a woman feels that she has to do something for her partner just because he pleasured her becomes a pressure situation, and she'd rather not go there in the first place.

Certain medications, particularly anti-depressants and anti-anxiety tablets can also be a major cause of this.

The impact on a relationship is huge and can be devastating. So much of our self -identity and self-confidence is linked to our sexual success, particularly with men. A wise man once said, 'when sex works it's about 20% of a relationship, when it doesn't, it's 90%'.

We often judge sex as being successful by the result, more often than not this about orgasm. There is enormous pressure on both men and women to make sex successful by reaching this goal. As a man if I can't make it happen for her, than I'm not a good lover. As a woman if I can't have an orgasm something's wrong with me. So we try harder, create more pressure and deepen the problem. Our egos become bruised, we feel incapable, and begin to withdraw. We begin to avoid not only sex, but also touch and intimacy that may lead to sex.

Is it possible to change this? In the vast majority of cases, yes. A resounding yes!

The most successful way of changing this is taking all the pressure off by getting out of goal-oriented mind set. Take achieving, reaching, having an orgasm right out the equation. As long as it remains a goal to achieve, every time you don't... and the pressure mounts, the frustration and anger increase.

The principles of Expanded Orgasm are perfect for this, enjoy being in the moment, enjoy the sensations, the intimacy and touch, let your body relax, breath deeply and simply be there. After a while of this, your body will respond differently and allow the orgasm to happen. It's not quite that simple and requires more, looking at and changing the beliefs, healing and releasing sexual hurts, freeing the pelvis and blockages that are there, learning different sexual techniques, genital massage etc. And learning to COMMUNICATE!

Tantra and Taoist sexuality also have many healing practices that are very effective in helping with this problem.

A beautiful exercise to create a space of intimacy and safety, to be in the moment with each other is a gentle Tantric sensual ritual: create a sensual space by lighting some candles, put some soft music on, sit opposite each other, look into each others eyes, very important to maintain eye contact, that's where we show so much of ourselves. Put your hands up, palms resting against palms, fingers touching. Softly, slowly, gently begin to move your hands, as if they're dancing, touch your palms, fingers, knuckles, the back of your hands, the space between your fingers. Breathe, look into each other's eyes, take time. Doesn't have to be more than 5 minutes. Then lie down with your head in your partner's lap. They gently stroke your face for 5-10 minutes, do the same for them. You're creating a different space, an environment for a different experience.

jontisearll@mweb.co.za, Jonti Searll